Last night I ended up with two outlines on my phone for an upcoming blog…
On one hand I was rejoicing in some of Lila’s latest developments, because no matter how small it may appear to others -we celebrate every single new occurrence in our house. Progress is progress!
On the other hand….It had been a long weekend, and I was feeling both exhausted and overwhelmed (I think we all have our days, even when we always try to stay positive). I started thinking about those things I try NOT to let creep into my mind…. “Will she ever be able to live independently?, “What if something happens to Bill or me?,” “Will she ever be able to talk, or be potty-trained? “, “Should we have another child just so there’s someone to look after her when we’re gone?”, those kind of thoughts. Yes, that last one has crossed my mind, and yes – I know that’s terrible.
In a rare moment of actually sitting down, I had to decide – about the blogs yes, but more importantly about how the rest of our evening was going to go, how the rest of our LIFE will go. I thought of this quote from Autism Hippie:
It’s true you know. So I put my big girl panties on and Lila and I had a wonderful rest of the evening. The funny thing is, she’s incredibly intuitive – I knew she knew I was “off”, and she did a couple of things that made my night:
She brought me some of her hair twisties (one of her favorite fidget toys), and she placed them on my head and giggled. No clue why she did it, but it sure made me feel special and loved.
A couple of times, she actually brought me her monkey blanket! She just smiled, and handed it to me. I loved on it and told her thank you so much…. Then did a “ready, set, go” and threw it at her face (because that’s a favorite game between her and Daddy). I wasn’t sure what she wanted!
Then she smiled and gently handed it to me again. I honestly think she was giving me her blanket to help me feel better, and that makes me incredibly emotional.
I definitely hope to hear her little voice say “I love you” someday – but I swear, she says it loud and clear without any words at all, and in such unique and meaningful ways.
So… I will finish up that positive update piece on Lila and will get it out this week. Thank you Autism Hippie, that quote was exactly what I needed last night; and as always, thank you Lila. You have been (and will continue to be) my greatest teacher.